Tattoos!!

I don't think I've ever been more thankful for my own ink than I was yesterday.  But let's not get ahead of ourselves, back to my first tattoo experience.

I was 22 and had just gone through a really dark period in my life.  I'd always wanted a tattoo but never knew of something I'd love to have on my body forever.  After that dark time in my life, I knew that I would eventually go through something that tough again and I might need a reminder of sorts.  I wanted a tattoo that represented rising from the hard times in life, that no matter the circumstances or if you have no one to turn to, you can get through it because you've already been through it.  So, in the summer of 2012, I got my first ink.  I got the batman symbol on my inner wrist.

And while it's epic and everyone else thinks it just means that I love comics, it's not only a reminder that hard times are temporary and I'm stronger than whatever challenges come my way.  It also is a visual reminder to never let anybody make me want to change who I am.  I'm constantly made fun of for liking comics and football and all of these 'manly' things that I'm not supposed to like because I'm a girl, which is bullshit.  I can paint my nails, wear dresses, squeal when I see a puppy, and still scream bloody murder at a football game and nerd out over video games and comic books.

A year later, I was 23 and had just been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder with skewed cognitive reasoning skills.  Basically, what that means is that I have general anxiety which manifests physically as well as mentally, with tightness in the chest and a hard time focusing or sleeping.  Also, with skewed cognitive reasoning, that doesn't mean I don't know how to do math (which is my major).  Basically, the best way to explain it is to give a situation where I get anxious.  Say I'm taking an exam and I don't know the answer for the first question on the test.  My mind races between thoughts of "If I don't know this question, then I won't know any of the others.  Everyone else is probably doing fine and I'm a failure.  Maybe I should choose a different major.  But I can't afford to go to school for four more years.  So I guess I'll end up dropping out and of course my parents won't let me live with them if I don't have a job or am going to school, so I'll end up homeless.  And to numb the pain of failure, I'll get a drug addiction and DIE!"  So basically, if I don't know the answer to the first question, I'm going to die of a drug addiction in my cardboard box that I call home.  So because of finally figuring out what was wrong with me, I knew exactly what I wanted.

This tattoo combines two things.  Number one, I have the cardinal which is the mascot for my college.  I'm proud of what I've done here, and I wanted to commemorate this time in my life with a cardinal.  The girl is supposed to represent the lyrics "Keep your feet on the ground when you're head's in the clouds" from a Paramore song.  I think that that is a great reminder for me.  My mom says why not just write that message on a post it, but you never know when you're going to need it.  I've been stressed about graduating and not finding a job and not knowing where I'm going to live and how I'm going to pay my bills, and I'm just falling back into my anxiety disorder when I've done so well to be calm for the last year.  Then I put on shorts to sleep in and I look down to see this and it's just what I needed.  When I'm stressed out, my mind goes crazy.  Sometimes I need a visual reminder that's always with me.

Finally, this past winter, I got another tattoo that wasn't meant to be a reminder of any sort.  I just wanted it because my other two pieces were about dark times in my life and I needed something that made me happy.  So, I got this piece of the Colt's mascot done because I love just watching him goof around and dance, it's such an innocent thing that makes me happy.  I don't think there will be a day in my life that I can't be cheered up by a mascot, it's never going to happen.

It was never MEANT to be a reminder for anything, and I guess it's not a reminder, but whenever I'm sad I look down at my calf and smile.  It just makes me happy.  I don't have a specific memory that it brings me back to because I've met him once and seen him at three games in person.  He just makes me happy and my artist did an amazing job, even though I cried by the 4th hour.  Every time the he pulled the needle away, I thought I was done.  Then, when I heard the buzzing again, I started crying because I knew I would be in more pain.  I was in the shop from noon until about 6 or 7, though I was only in pain for about 3 and a half to 4 hours.  I went back a week ago to get it touched up...and was immediately reminded of how bad it hurts.

It's like I get a tattoo every year.  When it's done, I'll always say, "I love it, but I'm never getting another one."  Then, about 8 months later, I think, "I want another tattoo."  It's like I'm suppressing the pain.  It's not even the pain of getting inked, the worst part is the healing process.  For my mascot tattoo, I also got a tooth removed a few days later, so they had me on hydrocodone.  That drug, apparently, can make you itchy.  That was right around the time when my tattoo got to the awful itchy stage.  It was awful, all I wanted to do was scratch, but I couldn't, so I just slapped the skin around my tattoo....yeah, didn't help much.

But now it's finally nice enough out to wear a dress and show off my new ink.  I get so many people saying I'm an idiot for getting it.  But I didn't get this tattoo for the public.  Just like all my other tattoos, they mean something to me.  This one on my calf just makes me smile.  I feel so lucky to get such a well done piece of art on me forever.  I know I say I'm done, but talk to me in the fall and see if I don't already have plans for another piece.