Saturday, November 22, 2014
Friday, April 11, 2014
Tattoos!!
I don't think I've ever been more thankful for my own ink than I was yesterday. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, back to my first tattoo experience.
I was 22 and had just gone through a really dark period in my life. I'd always wanted a tattoo but never knew of something I'd love to have on my body forever. After that dark time in my life, I knew that I would eventually go through something that tough again and I might need a reminder of sorts. I wanted a tattoo that represented rising from the hard times in life, that no matter the circumstances or if you have no one to turn to, you can get through it because you've already been through it. So, in the summer of 2012, I got my first ink. I got the batman symbol on my inner wrist.
And while it's epic and everyone else thinks it just means that I love comics, it's not only a reminder that hard times are temporary and I'm stronger than whatever challenges come my way. It also is a visual reminder to never let anybody make me want to change who I am. I'm constantly made fun of for liking comics and football and all of these 'manly' things that I'm not supposed to like because I'm a girl, which is bullshit. I can paint my nails, wear dresses, squeal when I see a puppy, and still scream bloody murder at a football game and nerd out over video games and comic books.
A year later, I was 23 and had just been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder with skewed cognitive reasoning skills. Basically, what that means is that I have general anxiety which manifests physically as well as mentally, with tightness in the chest and a hard time focusing or sleeping. Also, with skewed cognitive reasoning, that doesn't mean I don't know how to do math (which is my major). Basically, the best way to explain it is to give a situation where I get anxious. Say I'm taking an exam and I don't know the answer for the first question on the test. My mind races between thoughts of "If I don't know this question, then I won't know any of the others. Everyone else is probably doing fine and I'm a failure. Maybe I should choose a different major. But I can't afford to go to school for four more years. So I guess I'll end up dropping out and of course my parents won't let me live with them if I don't have a job or am going to school, so I'll end up homeless. And to numb the pain of failure, I'll get a drug addiction and DIE!" So basically, if I don't know the answer to the first question, I'm going to die of a drug addiction in my cardboard box that I call home. So because of finally figuring out what was wrong with me, I knew exactly what I wanted.
This tattoo combines two things. Number one, I have the cardinal which is the mascot for my college. I'm proud of what I've done here, and I wanted to commemorate this time in my life with a cardinal. The girl is supposed to represent the lyrics "Keep your feet on the ground when you're head's in the clouds" from a Paramore song. I think that that is a great reminder for me. My mom says why not just write that message on a post it, but you never know when you're going to need it. I've been stressed about graduating and not finding a job and not knowing where I'm going to live and how I'm going to pay my bills, and I'm just falling back into my anxiety disorder when I've done so well to be calm for the last year. Then I put on shorts to sleep in and I look down to see this and it's just what I needed. When I'm stressed out, my mind goes crazy. Sometimes I need a visual reminder that's always with me.
Finally, this past winter, I got another tattoo that wasn't meant to be a reminder of any sort. I just wanted it because my other two pieces were about dark times in my life and I needed something that made me happy. So, I got this piece of the Colt's mascot done because I love just watching him goof around and dance, it's such an innocent thing that makes me happy. I don't think there will be a day in my life that I can't be cheered up by a mascot, it's never going to happen.
It was never MEANT to be a reminder for anything, and I guess it's not a reminder, but whenever I'm sad I look down at my calf and smile. It just makes me happy. I don't have a specific memory that it brings me back to because I've met him once and seen him at three games in person. He just makes me happy and my artist did an amazing job, even though I cried by the 4th hour. Every time the he pulled the needle away, I thought I was done. Then, when I heard the buzzing again, I started crying because I knew I would be in more pain. I was in the shop from noon until about 6 or 7, though I was only in pain for about 3 and a half to 4 hours. I went back a week ago to get it touched up...and was immediately reminded of how bad it hurts.
It's like I get a tattoo every year. When it's done, I'll always say, "I love it, but I'm never getting another one." Then, about 8 months later, I think, "I want another tattoo." It's like I'm suppressing the pain. It's not even the pain of getting inked, the worst part is the healing process. For my mascot tattoo, I also got a tooth removed a few days later, so they had me on hydrocodone. That drug, apparently, can make you itchy. That was right around the time when my tattoo got to the awful itchy stage. It was awful, all I wanted to do was scratch, but I couldn't, so I just slapped the skin around my tattoo....yeah, didn't help much.
But now it's finally nice enough out to wear a dress and show off my new ink. I get so many people saying I'm an idiot for getting it. But I didn't get this tattoo for the public. Just like all my other tattoos, they mean something to me. This one on my calf just makes me smile. I feel so lucky to get such a well done piece of art on me forever. I know I say I'm done, but talk to me in the fall and see if I don't already have plans for another piece.
I was 22 and had just gone through a really dark period in my life. I'd always wanted a tattoo but never knew of something I'd love to have on my body forever. After that dark time in my life, I knew that I would eventually go through something that tough again and I might need a reminder of sorts. I wanted a tattoo that represented rising from the hard times in life, that no matter the circumstances or if you have no one to turn to, you can get through it because you've already been through it. So, in the summer of 2012, I got my first ink. I got the batman symbol on my inner wrist.
A year later, I was 23 and had just been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder with skewed cognitive reasoning skills. Basically, what that means is that I have general anxiety which manifests physically as well as mentally, with tightness in the chest and a hard time focusing or sleeping. Also, with skewed cognitive reasoning, that doesn't mean I don't know how to do math (which is my major). Basically, the best way to explain it is to give a situation where I get anxious. Say I'm taking an exam and I don't know the answer for the first question on the test. My mind races between thoughts of "If I don't know this question, then I won't know any of the others. Everyone else is probably doing fine and I'm a failure. Maybe I should choose a different major. But I can't afford to go to school for four more years. So I guess I'll end up dropping out and of course my parents won't let me live with them if I don't have a job or am going to school, so I'll end up homeless. And to numb the pain of failure, I'll get a drug addiction and DIE!" So basically, if I don't know the answer to the first question, I'm going to die of a drug addiction in my cardboard box that I call home. So because of finally figuring out what was wrong with me, I knew exactly what I wanted.
Finally, this past winter, I got another tattoo that wasn't meant to be a reminder of any sort. I just wanted it because my other two pieces were about dark times in my life and I needed something that made me happy. So, I got this piece of the Colt's mascot done because I love just watching him goof around and dance, it's such an innocent thing that makes me happy. I don't think there will be a day in my life that I can't be cheered up by a mascot, it's never going to happen.
It's like I get a tattoo every year. When it's done, I'll always say, "I love it, but I'm never getting another one." Then, about 8 months later, I think, "I want another tattoo." It's like I'm suppressing the pain. It's not even the pain of getting inked, the worst part is the healing process. For my mascot tattoo, I also got a tooth removed a few days later, so they had me on hydrocodone. That drug, apparently, can make you itchy. That was right around the time when my tattoo got to the awful itchy stage. It was awful, all I wanted to do was scratch, but I couldn't, so I just slapped the skin around my tattoo....yeah, didn't help much.
But now it's finally nice enough out to wear a dress and show off my new ink. I get so many people saying I'm an idiot for getting it. But I didn't get this tattoo for the public. Just like all my other tattoos, they mean something to me. This one on my calf just makes me smile. I feel so lucky to get such a well done piece of art on me forever. I know I say I'm done, but talk to me in the fall and see if I don't already have plans for another piece.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Ugh Graduation
Graduation is supposed to be this magical time. You've worked for four years of your life that you will never get back. Your friends were out partying while you were inside learning the ins and outs of annuities and the probability of picking an orange ball out of an urn when the urn is set on fire and you don't have fingers anymore. And then, you finally graduate. You have your cap and gown and your thousands of dollars worth of debt that will take you half a lifetime to pay back. You look at your graduation garb not with joy or pride, but with anxiety. In these past four years, you knew where you'd end up at the end of the summer. You'd have a summer job or you'd be at the beach, and no matter what you'd end up back in your dorm or apartment in the fall ready for another grueling year filled with finals and finance woes. But not now. Now that you have your cap and gown, you have no idea where you'll end up. If you're anything like me, you don't have a job offer yet. Everyone tells you not to worry, that you'll get a job eventually, but you can't wait until eventually. You want your life to start now! Like me, you may have left a job to go to school to get a better job, but now you're graduating without even the hopeful prospect of procuring employment prior to moving back in with your parents and their strict rules. Life isn't peaches and roses like you think it is, and yet no one understands how you don't have a job.
A few weeks ago, I was riding the city bus to get to my on campus job when this man asked if I went to school here. I said yes and answered his questions about when I'm graduating and what my major is. Then came the dreaded question: "So where will you be working in May?" How do I answer that? I could say, "I didn't come to college to get a job, I came here to party for four years and live off my parents' dime." But that would be a bold faced lie. I could answer, "I'm not sure yet, I'm keeping my options open," but that wouldn't be the entire truth either. I responded as honestly as possible, "I don't have a job offer yet, but I have one prospect that I'm hoping turns into something." He didn't even let me finish! After saying I didn't have a job, he yelped, "Well why not?!" It took all I had not to scream, "I don't know!!" I've worked on my resume, I've been to the career fair, I've sent my resume to every place I could think of and then five more places. I've interviewed, sent thank you notes, and spent countless torturous hours waiting for that phone call to either accept or reject me. It becomes personal. "We don't want you because you suck and we only take people who don't remind us of those awful dull students we went through college with." Or maybe, "No one would want to hire you, you aren't qualified or smart or well prepared, why would we waste our time on you?" But come on people! I have more drive than the average bear! I may not be AS qualified as other students because I changed majors two years ago, but in two years I fit in four years worth of curriculum AND worked the whole time. With my parents unable to financially support me more than giving me $20 for gas once, I have worked every day since I was 16 to put myself through school. Does that not show an enthusiasm? Does it not show that I'm dedicated to do whatever it takes to get the job done? Am I dull? Possibly, but only because I don't want to joke about farts and burps at a professional interview!!
So now that the dreaded graduation day is coming up in less than a month (24 days in my case), what's a girl to do? Resign herself to failure? Never show her face in public again? I feel like without a job, everyone I worked with back home will be thinking of me as a failure. In their eyes, I wasted four years and thousands of dollars while they lived on in that small town, providing for their families, getting married, and having babies (which by the looks of friends' facebook pages, a baby is just as popular as a birkin bag). And you can't talk to anyone about it! That's the problem! You get one of two responses. 1) You'll get a job, you just have to look harder. 2) Don't bring up graduation! I'm not ready!! But I am one of the lucky ones who gets a third response from the one woman who should be more supportive (I'm looking at you, Mom).
My mother means well, but she is stressing me out! Here are a list of some of the questions I hear from her on multiple occasions, as if she's forgotten that she's already crushed my ego with the exact same question two days ago:
...
I just want a hammock.
A few weeks ago, I was riding the city bus to get to my on campus job when this man asked if I went to school here. I said yes and answered his questions about when I'm graduating and what my major is. Then came the dreaded question: "So where will you be working in May?" How do I answer that? I could say, "I didn't come to college to get a job, I came here to party for four years and live off my parents' dime." But that would be a bold faced lie. I could answer, "I'm not sure yet, I'm keeping my options open," but that wouldn't be the entire truth either. I responded as honestly as possible, "I don't have a job offer yet, but I have one prospect that I'm hoping turns into something." He didn't even let me finish! After saying I didn't have a job, he yelped, "Well why not?!" It took all I had not to scream, "I don't know!!" I've worked on my resume, I've been to the career fair, I've sent my resume to every place I could think of and then five more places. I've interviewed, sent thank you notes, and spent countless torturous hours waiting for that phone call to either accept or reject me. It becomes personal. "We don't want you because you suck and we only take people who don't remind us of those awful dull students we went through college with." Or maybe, "No one would want to hire you, you aren't qualified or smart or well prepared, why would we waste our time on you?" But come on people! I have more drive than the average bear! I may not be AS qualified as other students because I changed majors two years ago, but in two years I fit in four years worth of curriculum AND worked the whole time. With my parents unable to financially support me more than giving me $20 for gas once, I have worked every day since I was 16 to put myself through school. Does that not show an enthusiasm? Does it not show that I'm dedicated to do whatever it takes to get the job done? Am I dull? Possibly, but only because I don't want to joke about farts and burps at a professional interview!!
So now that the dreaded graduation day is coming up in less than a month (24 days in my case), what's a girl to do? Resign herself to failure? Never show her face in public again? I feel like without a job, everyone I worked with back home will be thinking of me as a failure. In their eyes, I wasted four years and thousands of dollars while they lived on in that small town, providing for their families, getting married, and having babies (which by the looks of friends' facebook pages, a baby is just as popular as a birkin bag). And you can't talk to anyone about it! That's the problem! You get one of two responses. 1) You'll get a job, you just have to look harder. 2) Don't bring up graduation! I'm not ready!! But I am one of the lucky ones who gets a third response from the one woman who should be more supportive (I'm looking at you, Mom).
My mother means well, but she is stressing me out! Here are a list of some of the questions I hear from her on multiple occasions, as if she's forgotten that she's already crushed my ego with the exact same question two days ago:
- What if you don't get a job?
- Are you just going to be a cashier when you graduate?
- How are you going to pay back your loans?
- Don't all of your other friends already have jobs?
- I thought you said you were getting into a good field?
- What am I supposed to say to my friends when they ask where you're working?
- Do you think you should have chosen a different major?
- Why didn't you send out more resumes?
- Why do you think everyone else is getting hired and you aren't?
- Are you stressed about not making anything out of your college education?
...
I just want a hammock.
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